It’s the worst feeling in the world, waking up every day wondering if this is it. If this is the last day you’ll ever have together. To live in it for a few days is horrible, but this has been my life for months.
Every morning is a haze. This morning is especially hazy. The noises outside the home feel like blurred lines, and the mint from my toothpaste does nothing to calm my tears.
Then comes the drive. This is the worst part. Honestly, I’m shocked they still trust me on the road. I could crash and die right now and a part of me would be relieved. Yet, a louder part screams at me to keep going. To keep the flame alive, for the both of us. That part always wins.
The doors to the hospital ding, and I wonder if I could live here for perhaps the 90th time this morning. Maybe today is the day I work up the courage to ask. My brain flashes back to heavy keys in a pocket and a knock on an old wooden door.
The door to the room opens and a shock shakes through my body. “Perhaps today is the day” a voice whispers. That voice doesn’t matter. Not when I look at her. Not when every memory of years past comes racing through my brain in a matter of seconds. This is when the haze disappears, this is when I feel things again.
I make my way to the chair at the side of the bed. One leg is a little wobbly and the cushion is permanently dented in the shape of my bottom. Yesterday was the first day I’d been home in a week, maybe more, I couldn’t tell anymore. She made me. She said I had to keep living, for the both of us. I didn’t care about living, not when she was in this state. I cared about her.
The doctors like to pretend a lot. They tell you that things are getting better but when her face is getting paler by the hour and the light in her eyes begins to disappear you tend to stop believing them. Today the doctors say that she’s improving, that maybe we’ll make it out of this. And this time I see it. Her skin is a little brighter and for the first time in ages I let myself hope.
My brain runs with that ounce of hope, twirling it into far off futures huddled around fireplaces sharing stories to our kids, maybe even our grandkids. There’s smiles and laughter and I almost swear I can hear the clinking of champagne glasses.
The future is also hazy.
The beeping of the monitor brings me back, and the clock on the wall hits 7:00. She won’t wake up for about 10 more minutes. I always get here a little early, mostly because I can’t bear life without her, even if she’s asleep at least she’s here.
Tick..tick..tick
I sit and watch, there’s not much one can do watching their soulmate rot away.
Beep..beep..beep
Her eyes flutter open, and they immediately flick down to where I’m laying. My hand is softly clasped around hers. I let myself remember lazy Sunday mornings, waking up next to each other with not a care in the world. Those mornings were always my favorite.
“Ever the punctual one” she whispers, and that’s all it takes. The world around me melts away and it’s just us and the beeping of the heart monitor. “You’re the one with the exact schedule, I just follow it” I whisper back. “Ah, yes you’re correct, as always” she smiles. My heart soars. I’d probably mark this as one of the best moments in my life if it weren’t for the circumstances.
Her eyes have their glint back and a little more hope comes back. Maybe today is the day things start to change.
“I missed you” I whisper, not daring to rip my eyes away from her and ruin our bubble. “It’s been 10 hours”, her eyebrows lift and she smirks a little. My heart feels like it’s going to explode. I let myself remember the first time she said I love you.
We were in a meadow, and it was pitch dark outside. I’d dragged us out here to look at the stars. I’d just finished talking about Gemini and when I turned back to look at her, I saw she’d been looking at me the whole time.
I remember feeling sick with love when she’d whispered the words to me and I’d almost have yelled them back if it weren’t for the silence of the night. I remember what she’d said when I asked her why.
“I’ve never met someone who loves the way you do, with all your heart and soul poured into loving and being loved after all you’ve been through, I’d think you’d have had enough.”
She never questioned my asking of why. She knew I’d been burned before. She knew I’d burned before. She didn’t care.
I want to tell her this. All of this. I want to pour out my heart and give it to her forever. Even if she goes, at least she’ll have my heart. She already owns it. Instead all I can say is “I love you”. The way she looks at me, I think she knows.
More time passes, more whispers are exchanged, soft glances and smiles and I never let go of her hand.
Beep..beep..beep
The doctors come and go.
Beep..beep..beep
Mostly it’s a lot of waiting.
I don’t know when but something begins to feel different.
People look a little more hurried.
Beep..beep..beep
I can’t tell much from where I am, just holding her. Every breath we take lined up at some point, and we must have laid there like that for ages, holding each other
Beep.Beep.Beep
The heartbeat is louder now. So are the people. I get up to ask around, to see if anyone will help me, her hand is in mine, it hasn’t left for hours.
Of course we’d talked about death before. Before any of this happened. She told me if she went first I had to keep going, to keep loving, to never give up. I’d told her the same. Secretly, selfishly, I hoped I’d go first.
To live without her was to not live at all.
To live without her was to live in a permanent haze.
Eventually the beeping and the chaos caught up to us. Those selfish thoughts had been whipped away. I knew they were never going to come true now. Today my wondering had been right and my hope, once again, wrong.
Beep.Beep.Beep
I pulled myself closer to her, if this was the end she was all that mattered. “If today is the day, and I go, thank you for giving me a life worth living” she said. The tears fell faster now, larger and quicker, as a child I would have been embarrassed to cry so much. Now, I’m embarrassed I’m not crying more.
“I don’t know what to do without you” I’m scared, this is it, we both know it. “Live” is all she says. I know what that word means for us. To live for her and with her has been my greatest joy. But to live without her, without us, I don’t know how. I tell her this much.
BeepBeepBeep
“I’ll fight for as long as you want me to” her voice is quieter now, my heart is in a pitfall “But just know, that right here and right now, I am at peace, I needed nothing else but you”. I want to cry and scream and beg her to stay for just a minute longer but I’ve never been one to fight her.
Doesn’t she know that for her, I’d do anything?
So I lean in, and gently place a kiss on her forehead to whisper “I’d bear the pain of living alone if it meant that you could die in peace”.
Her eyes close.
BeepBeepBeep
Her lips softly smile like they did when she slept. But this isn’t sleeping.
Beep.
It’s silent.
Almost hazy.
