Appliance Compliance

Tai Markman trying to figure out how to open the microwave.

On a scale from one to five, how is your microwaving ability?

• 1. I can heat up anything, as long as its wrapped in aluminum
• 2. I will burn this place to the ground.
• 3. Can pop popcorn, but with supervision.
• 4. Call me the Microwave Queen/King.
• 5. I can nuke a seven course meal from culinary.

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Microwaves are amazing. A microwave can create a s’more with just a tap of a button, no campfire necessary. Plus they allow for YouTube videos like “I Just Microwaved my Phone **shocking**” and “Microwaving Soap (emotional)”.

In other words, microwaves are great, unless they are in the hands of a high schooler. You would think that teenagers, being as lazy as we are, would be experienced in microwaves. However, from burnt popcorn to exploding food, the microwaves in the cafeteria are a foodstuff warzone.

There are no mothers in the high school cafeteria; so if your mango chutney samosa explodes in the microwave, nobody is going to clean it up for you. Don’t leave the mess for an unsuspecting freshman who just wants to nuke some pancakes. Is it too much to ask to cover your food with a paper towel? It would save everyone the headache.

Most of the time when you have to wipe up someone elses microwave mess, you don’t even know what you are cleaning. Is this inexplicable orange paste mashed sweet potato or baby food yams? Who can tell?

A trashed microwave can really stink up the cafeteria, too. Some food is so smelly, that it does not even belong in a highschool microwave. Certain foods reek, and when you put them in a microwave their smell is multiplied by ten. It makes it hard to eat your food when the cafeteria smells like a methane gas explosion. Not sure what to keep out of a public microwave? Fish, cheese, anything fermented, garlic, and most importantly, popcorn.

Popcorn is the Kanye of microwaves. Done properly, it can be great, but unchecked popcorn gets too big of a head and burns. There is no smell compared to the rancid god forsaken stench of burnt popcorn. And nothing lasts like burnt popcorn either. One burnt kernel can stink up the cafeteria for a week.  

Sure, microwaves are a godsend, but they can’t do everything for you. In order to improve everyone’s lunch experience, take the time to make sure you know how to use the microwaves. Lord knows you can look it up on YouTube.