I would like to do something I feel like we don’t do enough. I would like to give a thank you to everyone out there who has shown me their support. I can’t express how much this means to me, and it continues to blow me away that people think enough of me to offer this kind of emotional anchor.

What I’m referring to, obviously, are my recent Sammy nominations. As I’m sure all of you know (and if you don’t know, what are you doing with your time that’s so much more important than keeping up with my life?), I have been nominated for two Sammys this year. It goes without saying that this is the pinnacle of my high school career. Freshman year, I couldn’t be bothered to care about anything school-related because I was too cool for that, but my coolness has significantly declined in the years since, and it has been my dream since sophomore year to be nominated for an award at the Sammys.

I was always shooting to get my name on just one of the ballots for a Sammy category, but I pulled off quite a Cinderella story and well surpassed that goal, getting twice as many nominations as I planned on, which makes me basically twice the man I thought I was. I know the “experts” and pollsters had counted me out, so I just want to say thank you to everyone out there who never lost hope. Thank you all for believing in me and allowing my dreams to live on.

For those of you who live under a rock and haven’t heard yet what I was nominated for, I feel obligated to inform you that I received the most coveted, most prestigious, of Sammy nominations: Most Likely to be Late to Their Own Wedding and Worst Case of Senioritis. As you can imagine, my parents are very proud, and that’s not something that happens very often. All those mornings of sleeping through my alarm and afternoons of sleeping through my homework have finally paid off. My mother said I was throwing my life away, but once I bring home a trophy in each hand she will see me for what I truly am: a winner.

Winning a Sammy is the highest honor that can be bestowed upon anyone residing in the central Florida area. The young kids at Husky Pups grow up dreaming of walking across that stage in the school auditorium and giving their acceptance speech to thunderous applause and flashing lights. I feel bad for the young ones anywhere else in the world because they grow up with no hope of a future Sammy, ergo, they grow up with no dreams. I can only imagine that the lack of Sammys in Donald Trump’s childhood is the reason why he grew up to live a life so full of hate and so void of any kind of love or affection.

Now, enough about other people and back to me. I’m lucky, I know that. I could’ve been nominated for a category no one wants to win, like Biggest Troublemaker or Frequently Flirty or Most Likely to be President. I may be late, but I ain’t no politician scheming with the illuminati. If you would like to elect me as president in 2040, however, I will not object and will humbly accept my throne in the Oval Office.

All in all, I would just like to extend my thanks to everyone who voted for me for your support. For those who didn’t vote for me, well, your ignorant mistake can be forgiven, because I’m a very nice person like that. God bless America, but more importantly, God bless the Sammys.