Whether it was tricking the newspaper staff into eating cricket-protein brownies or facing persecution from my peers after I called their dog a wet tissue, Charcasm has made these past three years quite memorable. As I wrap up my career as a Husky, it occurred to me that loyal readers  of Charcasm will be left with a column-shaped hole in their heart. Alas, have no fear: here are some things you can do to help fill that void. 

If you find yourself missing the controversy that comes from each edition of Charcasm I suggest you pay a visit to the older men who play chess in the park. These guys are the kings of hot takes. They do not interact with a lot of people outside of their daily chess games, so they will talk your ear off about all the latest news and gossip. At this point, they all have outgrown their filters and do not give two pickle jars about what anyone thinks of their opinions. 

If the grandpas don’t do it for you, watch an episode of Peppa Pig. It may be just a kids show, but Peppa is a passive aggressive icon. With her parents and little brother George facing the brunt of her sarcasm, the girl won’t let anyone tell her not to jump in muddy puddles. Bonus points if you watch with a pulled pork sandwich in hand, just for irony’s sake. 

A trip to the zoo may also help in the absence of your favorite column. Just like Charcasm, you never know what to expect: one minute you could be admiring the toucans and the next, a group of monkeys are trying to swipe your mom’s sunglasses. It’s chaotic, but just enough so that it is still entertaining. Plus, most have great soft pretzels with cheese sauce.

Monkeys are not the only animals that can replicate the feeling of Charcasm. Toddlers are walking dumpsters that trash anything in sight. Babysit one for an hour, and you will hardly even have the time to think about breathing, let alone how much you miss Charcasm. Not only do they keep you busy, but they will say anything that comes to their mind. Is your hair a little extra frizzy? Did you gain a little weight over quarantine? They will call you out on it with no regrets, because they are not old enough to have those yet.

No matter what you choose to do, try not to miss me too much. The chess players, Peppa and the monkeys may not completely make up for your loss, but it is a start. But in case you’re starting to feel warm and fuzzy, I leave you with a parting message: cinnamon raisin bagels are for the weak and golden retrievers are still overrated.